SLAP! Of The Week

Like so many of you out there, we here at First Team Cut took a moment out of our busy schedules to celebrate the day of love most commonly known as Valentine’s Day. Chocolate was ordered, vases were filled to the brim with all manner of floral arrangement, and sappy cards were purchased at the last screaming minute from the $0.99 section of cards at Rite-Aid. Ah, yes…that’s Amore. For this week’s SLAP! Of The Week however, we witnessed a Valentine’s Day display, for lack of a better word, that was more than deserving of a pimp slap to the chin strap. For one poor young lady, her discussion with her girlfriends at work the day after Valentine’s day will probably go something like this:

1^st Co-worker: (beaming) “Hey Shirley, how was your Valentine’s Day?”

Shirley: (Grunts) “Mmm..it was ok, I mean nothing really special I guess. How about yours?

1^st Co-worker: “Oh it was lovely! My Chad is such a dream! He got me an hour massage at Massage Palace and then he picked me up and took me to Chalet Du Ponce for dinner. He got me a Pandora charm bracelet and had a dozen roses for me in the car! I love him so much!

Shirley: “Jolly for you. What about you Candace?”

Candace: “Well Marcel knows how much I love Belgian waffles, so when I woke up yesterday, he made me a breakfast of Belgian waffles, fruit, and fresh hand squeezed orange juice. He even cut the cantaloupe in the shape of hearts, the little dear. Then last night, I met him after work for dinner and when we got home, he had rose petals leading from the door to the bedroom, and then he…(giggles, then lowers her voice)..he put on a army uniform and…well, lets just say I got my G.I. Joe fantasy! Whew he put it on me! Girl, that’s why I married him, please believe! What about you Shirley, what did you and Hubert do?”

We interrupt this story to say that Shirley’s answer is the reason her man is getting the SLAP! that he so richly deserves. Hubert, brace yo-self, you unromantic, chivalry killing jackwagon.

Shirley: (sighs, begins to tear up) Well….Hubert got me a bag of Skittles, said that it was “Valentine’s red” on the wrapper and that he is glad that I am skinnier than I was last year so he thought candy would be ok this Valentine’s Day…”

Candace: “ Oh helllll no! He said that? What?! Did ya’ll go out at least?

Shirley: (Dabs eyes) “Oh yeah, we went “out” alright….to Border Town Cantina; they were having an “All You Can Eat Enchilada” special and he sat there and ate seven plates of beef and cheese enchiladas! He was asking the waiter what the record was and he said he was gonna try and break it!"

(Co-workers throw up hands, stomp in circles, curse the day Hubert was born, etc)

"He had gas the entire way home and then he comes to bed, with no shower I might add, and wants to….well, that sure wasn’t happening.  Happy freakin’ Valentine’s Day to me.”

Reeeally Hubert? Takin’ the significant other to a all-you-can-eat face stuffing contest? Way to show how you really feel. Here, we got something for you…SLAP! Hope your face stays as red as that Skittles bag, you pile of dumpster meat. Oh, and take a bath!