Some people just can't grasp the concept of gratuity. Uh, that would be you Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods, and you too Morgan Freeman. I mean, come on Tiger; you can afford to pay millions in a divorce settlement but you can't leave a Perkins waitress more than just the invitation to uh, "work on your short game"? Crash course in Tipping 101 comin' right up. When you receive your bill for the night’s festivities, it is considered common courtesy* to add at least fifteen percent of the total bill to the tab. Now, granted not everyone adheres to this general rule of thumb; people like the aforementioned celebrities, Saddam Hussein, the Big Bad Wolf, and Al Quaida operatives. So just to be safe and to not get lumped in with this motley bunch, stick with tacking fifteen percent of your total bill on the final line of your credit card slips and you should be good. See how easy that was?
Tipping is an ancient and time honored tradition that traces its beginnings back thousands of years to when the Neanderthals would give the caveman who cooked the saber-tooth tiger or mammoth and served it on a hot rock a little somethin’ extra for his trouble. Back then it may have been an extra elbow bone or a little more small intestine (that’s what we’ve gathered from early Applebee’s cave markings). Viking raiders would only burn half your village if you kept their cups full while you loaded your harvest, women and children onto their warships . Even Chuck Norris tips for cryin' out loud..just by allowing your sorry ass to live. It’s only fifteen percent people; it’s not that much to ask. Even cavemen could do it.
Here at First Team Cut, we don’t take it for granted that everyone understands what makes tipping such vital part of a civilized society. Some of you out there who frequent places like Chili’s, Applebee’s, On The Border, and T.G.I. Friday’s think that just because a place serves fake Shirley temples made with Sprite and Cherry Grenadine, it is ok to leave the coins from the twenty that you broke to pay for your chicken fingers. Erroneous. That server is trying to support his or herself on roughly the $2.35 they make per hour, plus whatever you leave. Well, that and the other job they are working third shift at Best Buy. You will mail in $5.00 a month to those sad commercials with the abused pets giving you the Bambi eyes but you won't leave a human being five bucks on a forty dollar bill. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Tipping, or not tipping, says a lot about you as a patron and as an alleged human being. In fact, it would make your momma blush to hear what servers say about you when you don’t tip, not to mention the abuse your food may take if that server recognizes you next time you come in. Most of those things we won’t repeat on First Team Cut; we just want you to know that even if we don’t say it, by God we’re thinking it. So as a kind of tip to you the reader, here are a few ways for you to remember the word T.I.P.S.
Top In Priority of Server
To Insure Prompt Service
Tells If Patron Sucks
Think I’ll Punch this Sucker
Yes, you’re welcome and yeah; this time and this time only it’s ok for you not to leave that fifteen percent. We'll consider this one on the house.
*The idea that Planet Earth has a population of more than just you. You jackwagon.
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