The primary objective of First Team Cut is to provide the reader with insights into just what it is like to be a server in the food industry. For those readers who have worked in this vocation, we hope to hear an amen or two from the congregation when you read this blog because you understand exactly where we are coming from. You know about the trials and tribulations that the nation in the pocketed apron goes through on a shift-by-shift basis.
On the flip side of this equation, there are many out there who have only been the served, never the server. These are kind of people who aren’t wealthy enough to have their own personal servant, but will certainly take advantage of having one when they go out to eat. They have never had to carry out drink orders for a multiple-table section on a Saturday night, all while dodging kids whose parents let them run in a freaking restaurant. For them, the restaurant is somewhere you go, eat your meal, and then Tweet about what bad service you had from a waiter who had the audacity to think he or she was getting any tip after taking six whole minutes to bring out your appetizer. We see you. We know who you are. And to prove that, First Team Cut is announcing its America’s Most Hated Patron list. The offenders we will profile below are ranked from least disliked to the most ferociously detested. In order to make these perpetrators easily identifiable, we have given a code name to each category of offender. First Team Cut fast response teams are now monitoring restaurants, lounges, bars, and all other establishments where a wait staff is employed to find anyone who fits one of the following descriptions. Like the song says, if you see ‘em, point ‘em out.
The Positive Reinforcer:
This offender is almost hard to dislike. Well, at first anyway. From the time this patron sits down, they are pleasant. Super pleasant. Too pleasant. They make eye contact with you the server. They initiate the small talk in the drink-and-entrée ordering phases. They compliment you on everything from your impressive collection of Bic pens that are clipped on the edge of your apron pockets to the way that you are able to carry that big ‘ol tray of food out to them all by yourself. They may tell you six to eleven times that you are the very best server they have ever had in the big wide world .They swear with an upraised had to be absolutely sure to go online, fill out the service survey with perfect 10’s, and tell your manager what a vision of service you have been. And then they go and tip one and a half percent of their $65.00 bill, if that much. Apparently this patron believes that this is Never Never Land and that a server can pay bills with just happy thoughts and big toothy smiles. Doesn’t work like that jackwagon. Being Slenda sweet to your server is not an excuse for being a tightwad.
The Queen Elizabeth:
The Queen Elizebeth is almost always a senior citizen or an individual who believes that they are eating in a restaurant that is far beneath the usual dining venue for someone of their economic standing. The drink-with-my-pinky out crowd if you will. Patrons who fit this description are impossible to please simply because they take pleasure in being unpleaseable. These offenders seem to think that the menu is merely a collection of suggestions of dishes they may or may not like to eat, and in the event that nothing suggested pleases them, they will order a concoction of their own design. Their order may sound something like this; “Bring me the head of a pig and a garden salad, with each leaf of the salad individually dabbed in one tablespoon of Italian Balsamic vinaigrette dressing but without the little bits of herbs that you see floating in Balsamic dressing, as I don’t like anything floating in my dressing. Simply remove them from the dressing and just leave the herbal taste. Also bring me a cheeseburger, hold the burger and replace it with lobster tail that has been marinated for the last hour at least. I like my seafood burgers well marinated and fresh from the sea. Now run along.”
Uh, Mr. or Mrs. Bout-To- Get-A-Drink-Spilled-On-Them, this here is NEBRASKA. We don’t have lobster fresh from anywhere. And the name of this place is Beaufort’s Burger Shack, not the Ritz. This offender will run the server ragged and then leave a generous tip; something usually like an exhortation to stay in school so that you can get a “real” job. Yeah, thanks. This bit of sage advice that you wrote with a quill pen on a napkin will go a long way towards paying the light bill. And a quill pen? Seriously?
The Mad Dasher:
The Mad Dasher is just a step below our final and most hated patron, whom we will discuss next. The Mad Dasher is not what you may think; He or she is not one of Santa’s reindeer, nor does he or she leave without paying the bill. Mad Dashers are especially despicable because during the entire meal the Mad Dasher is plotting how to leave a bad tip and then get away without having to look the server they shorted in the face. Mad Dashers are easier to spot when you are closing their check. They will usually try to pay most of, if not the entire bill, with an assortment of coupons, gift cards, and/or free meal cards that have the final hole punched for the free meal. Oftentimes the gift card/coupon medley does not cover the entire bill. However, the Mad Dasher knows this and he plans on tipping only on the amount that he or she has to pay out of pocket. Example. The final bill is $53.50. Coupons and gift cards cover $50.00, leaving the Mad Dasher to pay $3.50 from his personal debit card. This is where the Mad Dasher gets his name. Once the bill and credit card receipts have been returned to the table, the Mad Dasher will thank the server pleasantly. When the server turns and leaves, the Mad Dasher then hastily writes a twenty percent tip….of the $3.50 and scrambles for the door. He knows he is a dirtbag, but by leaving quickly, he avoids the server knowing it while the Mad Dasher is still in his booth.
The Stiff:
The most hated, the most diabolical, the most rank, steaming pile of humanity is The Stiff. Plain and simple, the Stiff is the person who leaves nothing. Nada. No matter what the bill, no matter how excellent the service. The Stiff combines elements of all the previous profiles. The Stiff may be pleasant like the Positive Reinforcer, or a pain in the gluteus maximas like the Queen Elizabeth. The Stiff often uses the same escape route as the Mad Dasher. But the Stiff don’t tip. And what’s worse is that the Stiff often shows no remorse. Stiffs camp out in a server’s section for two hours, running the server back to the kitchen for drink refills long after the check has been closed. They know they are not going to tip, they know they are scum, and calling them sludge buckets is an insult to sludge buckets all around the globe. First Team Cut sees you, and we hope you trip at an inopportune moment with your hands full of something fragile.
If you know anyone who fits the descriptions above, please contact your local FTC Fast Response Team at the number on your screen. And if YOU fit one of the descriptions…well, you can run, but you’ll just die tired.
No comments:
Post a Comment